I love my wife so dearly. There is so much about her that captivates me. The 20 January marked our 5th wedding anniversary. I like to think of it as 1826 days of awesomeness. I list the actual number of days for 2 reasons.
- It’s one of those quirky things that I do
- More importantly, a strong marriage over time is dependent on the things we do on a daily basis.
When preparing for our wedding we decided to write our own vows to each other. While doing so I had a picture in my mind of how I wanted our relationship to look, not just on our honeymoon, but after 50 or God-willing even 90 years of doing life together. Mark Driscoll puts it nicely when he says that “Getting married is easy. 50 years of joy is hard.” A very true statement.
My marriage is something I take really serious and I like to think that the vows I made to Katherine on the 20 January 2007 reflect it. Because of this, I revisit my vows every few months to rate myself. Here they are:
“These are my vows to you Katherine, the only girl that has ever captivated me. I vow:
To love and cherish you, to respect and adore you. To hold you by my side and not beneath or behind me. To lavish everything on you that I can, and then some more. To always try and understand you. To know you, your heart, your passions and your and dreams. To never withhold my thoughts and dreams. To allow my heart to break, for the same things that break your heart. To have hands and arms that are a safe place and refuge. To have the best hugs, and a heart that beats “You are mine”. To build a life that has eternal value. To show you understanding, wisdom, justice and grace. To cultivate your gifts, calling and view of life. To not only share but give you and our future family the biggest portion of myself. To build you up. To speak truth in love. To present you to God in intercession, by myself and with you. To always challenge our thoughts and paradigms as I find treasure in the word of God. To worship together. To pray together. To make our home a place of peace and joy. To protect you. To fight for you. To pursue you. To boast about you. To be a great lover. To be a great father. And an even better friend. To be tender and gentle, caring and loving, full of humility, strength and compassion. Playful and passionate, bold and patient, to stare into your eyes always captivated. To make you feel like a princess. To make you tea, to rub your feet, to dance with you and spin you around. To hold your hand, to make you laugh, to Hold you tight, and kiss you goodnight. To love you, love you and love you some more.”
The reason I revisit them every few months is because in the mundane of life it is easy to stop putting in effort. It is easy to stop telling your wife that you love her. In the context of bills, insurance contracts, administration, laundry, hours in the traffic and parenting little children who are completely dependent on you it is inconvenient to allow yourself to be captivated by the wonderfully mysterious heart and mind of your wife.
Revisiting my vows is a vital barometer to me because I listed so many specific things in it. In the everyday mundane it is easy to forget to do something simple like taking the time to just stare into Katherine’s eyes and be captivated. When so much has been happening in my own career over the last few years it is easy to not talk about Katherine’s dreams and desires. With little kids eating, pooping, crawling and jumping around all day it can become easy to let the most important aspect of parenting slide; that being your marriage. The primary way our kids are going to learn about how to treat their future spouses one day will be in how they see Katherine and I relate to each other.
Are we explosive when it comes to disagreements? Is one of us a push over? Are we selfish with our time, or do we pour into each other. Jude (age 25 months) and Benjamin (9.5 months) are very perceptive. They don’t miss a thing. Is Katherine happier when I arrive home? Am I overwhelmed with joy and passion at that first glimpse of my wonderful wife when I arrive home?
So how has our first 5 years been?
In a few short words… Wonderful, challenging, adventurous, painful, encouraging, life changing.
I love my wife. I love her more each year. She is my standard of beauty and every other woman I know falls woefully short. I’m continually challenged by the depth of her love for people, despite some of the unbelievable rejection she has faced. Whenever I think I’ve sorted out any prejudices in my own heart, I only need to watch my wife interact with the next down-and-out individual thrown in her path to realise that I’m still travelling a long journey of embracing people just as they are. I never tire of our stimulating conversations as I get to bounce ideas off her. Ok… so maybe I often get annoyed with her when she just won’t budge on a differing opinion… but I love that as well. Katherine will never just nod at something I say. She’ll engage me back on any topic, often revealing some gaping flaws in my thinking.
Then there is her boldness and bravery. You’ll often hear me say that I didn’t marry a nice girl. I married a world changer. Katherine is loving and compassionate, but she is not nice. There is far too much that I want to accomplish in my life; and so I knew I could never marry a “nice” girl. My wife is a lioness, and she thrives when I let out the lion in me. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying people who marry “nice” girls have somehow settled for less. I just know my own nature and personality. If I had settled down with a “nice” girl then that would have been the last significant thing I ever did. I would just have “settled down” and just gone with the flow of life. No, I wanted a never ending adventure with someone with whom “settling down” would never be an option and I’ve most certainly not been disappointed. Everything about the way we do life screams out “we will not go with the grain.” We will not bow down to popular culture. We will not copy paste the previous generation with a few modernised twists. Everything we do, gets looked at from a fresh perspective and starts with the question “why?”.
Then of course is Katherine’s ability to make tough decisions and stick with them despite rejection and condemnation from the world. Katherine finished high school with bursary options to do everything from metallurgy to professional singing. She is an accomplished artist, and reads music. She once did three years of law-school all in one year (while been married) and yet she has chosen not to bow to the pressure of pursueing a career. Am I a rich sugar daddy? No. Katherine’s decision to stay at home with the kids has cost her immensely and has left us with no budget at all for things like makeup and new clothes. Her decision is not a popular one and is one that get’s ridiculed by popular media. Katherine however goes from strength to strength and excels.
Coming back to my wedding vows. 5 years ago I made a covenant, a promise to lay down my life to make Katherine’s better. I’ve received great joy and a lot of growth in the process but the fact is that 5 years is just the beginning. Marriage is not a sprint, it is a marathon, and one that we intend on finishing strong. So I resolve again just as I do every few months to be the man behind the heart of what was vowed on that wonderful day 5 years ago.















